Seriously, I'm sick and tired of freezing. And it has rained far too much for my taste. It's mid-March; normally I'd be merrily enjoying the first rays of sun, turning the sausages on my BBQ. No such luck this year. Instead I'm sitting here in my very cold flat, wrapped up in several layers, despite having the heating on, enjoying a home made curry.
Vegetable curry mit Lemon Rice:
Courgette Aubergine Carrot Green beans Onions (banana or shalotte) Celery Butternut squash Chick peas tin of chopped tomatoes
Spices: Red Chili Garlic Mustard seeds Cardamom pods (whole and only a few) Coriander seeds (ground) Cumin seeds Garam Masala Turmeric Paprika powder Curry Powder Ginger (finely grated) salt to taste Stalks of coriander leaves curry leaves (3 to 4)
Throw spices in hot oil, stir for a minute, add the tin of chopped
tomatoes, stir well and add chopped vegetables. Add roughly chopped
coriander leaves at the end.
Rice: Cook basmati rice Prepare: one dry red chili Mustard seeds Cardamom pods finely chopped onions Turmeric salt to taste lemon juice to taste finely grated ginger curry leaves (2)
drain rice and let it sit in the colander while preparing the rest.
heat two to three table spoons of olive oil, add spices, add lemon juice, stir in rice, chopped coriander leaves. Serve and enjoy. :-)
As you know I've been quite apprehensive about 'coming out' as a writer. The reason being was that I didn't feel like a writer; and sure enough, not long after I've announced that I accepted being one, I had this very surreal weekend on which I didn't sleep, but watched every single Backstreet Boys video there is on YouTube, with the result of having lost all enthusiasm regarding writing or editing. It's been weeks that I've abandoned Book 3 of the Branded series just about 20k in and I couldn't care less to return to it, or to writing at all, for that matter. It feels as if a huge weigh has been lifted off my shoulders; writing has never been fun, unless it flowed, which it rarely did. Quite the contrary; it was painful. Writing shouldn't be painful, it should be fun and energetic. Editing, yes, that's painful, but writing itself? No.
I struggled more and more with every book and the frustration and tears were having a negative affect on me, yet I forced myself to write every day so I could finish the books, despite my hitting wall after wall, writing myself into corners I had to fight to get out. It's excruciating and that, somehow, cannot be right. I have no idea if I ever return to writing; at the moment, I'm very happy to just draw a line under that chapter--pardon the pun--and move on. I'm sick and tired of talking or reading about writing, I'm sick and tired of the 'community' and I'm sick and tired of putting myself out there. As you noticed, I've been relatively silent for quite a while and it's heaven to just let the writing world be and turn my back on it. For the past four years I've kept pushing myself to the limits, writing, editing, proofing, promoting and whatnot and I'm so tired. Book 3 of the Branded series will be put on hold and only ever be finished if I feel like it. I have my doubts, to be honest. I haven't read in a while either, just can't be bothered.
I've also buried my dreams of becoming a publisher. After watching the market and new small publishers, who had the same dream, fold, I decided it's not worth the effort. Plus, if I can't sell my own books, despite being convinced they're of great commercial value, I think that's a fairly good indicator that I don't know what the public wants.
In the meantime, I'll continue with my weight loss programme and spend more time outside, rather than behind the laptop trying to find my balance again.
Crazy how everything can change in just 48 hours, isn't it? I used to say that writing and editing will always be part of my life and that I can't imagine not to write ...
How can you not love this?
I think the only real staple love in my life are reptiles. Perhaps I should just go ahead and look into the options of opening the Rescue & Education Centre I've been banging on about for years now. Even though keeping reptiles is far from easy and not always glorious, but that iguana makes me smile every single day, even when he pissed me off an hour before. He's in mating season again, by the way, which makes him super tough and dangerous to handle. A 6kg monster out of control is not for the faint-hearted, believe you me.
So if you know someone who has too much money to spend and wants to put it to a good cause, put him/her in touch with me. I'd love to start searching for a warehouse tomorrow. :-)
There's only one pain I thoroughly enjoy: sore muscles after a good workout. As you know I'm on a journey to whip myself back into shape and losing three stones (roughly 20kg). Quite funny, when I tell people I'm overweight, they look at me with disbelief, saying I look 'normal'. Isn't it shocking that an overweight person looks 'normal' to others in a society with morbidly obese people? I tell you what, big is not beautiful. At all. And I don't believe anyone who says being fat is enjoyable.
Seriously? I call myself fat, although I'm far from waddling and having to stop every few steps to catch my breath. But even then I have (or better had) my difficulties tying my laces or wiping my arse. So, if I find it already difficult being 'only' overweight, I can't imagine that fat people do those tasks with ease. Personally, I don't know any fat person who's never tried to lose weight. Not one. I believe most fat people who say they like being fat are only saying it because they've tried every diet on the planet and failed either at keeping it up or gained their weight back. Not surprisingly, though, dieting is the worst thing you can do if you're overweight. Crash dieting to lose a pound or two, fine, if you're not doing it regularly and have a normal weight.
Anyway, back to my plan: in order to not only shed the pounds, but also get into shape, I do regular workouts in addition to my daily 1-hour-power walk in the park. Anyone who has a stability ball (gym ball) and Internet can do it. There are vast amounts of videos with easy exercises for abs, upper and lower body. I used to go to physio when I was younger (back troubles) and recalled a few workouts I did back then, plus chose a few from the net and they seem to work just fine. If you're unsure, you should consult your GP beforehand. If those workouts are done wrongly, they can do more harm than good.
This one is an easy one that should work for beginners. It's much harder than it looks, believe you me.
Although I'm cycling a lot, walk quite a bit and take the steps rather than the lift, my abs and back weren't really trained. Only ten repetitions had me aching for a whole week. It didn't take long to adapt again and I've widened the range of exercises to target certain areas (thighs, back, arms). Cardio alone will not tone all areas and I really don't want to be slim and wobbly. I hate wobbly bits.
Home made vegetable curry with couscous
Of course I'm watching what I'm eating, too, but it's not that big a difference to before as my diet has always been healthy. I cut out biscuits (mostly) and eat smaller portions, or replace one meal with a freshly made fruit salad. I use sugar and milk in my tea and still eat chocolate and cake. In general I eat between 1500 to 2000 calories a day.
Since I started end of January, I've lost about two inches (7cm) around my tummy, which is my main area of concern. I also lost around my arse and legs, which I'm quite pleased with. It's painfully slow, but it's healthier that way. Not sure how many pounds I've dropped; I estimate it must be around twelve to sixteen pounds (6 to 8kg), but gained on muscle, which weighs more than fat. For all I know is that I comfortably fit into my favourite jeans again, which is a start. My aim is 20 pounds (10kg) till May, then further 20 pounds till end of this year. It's doable. I want to say goodbye to my fat arse and wobbly tummy for good and go back to my sexy slim, but still curvy body. Can't wait!
You weren't the only one. I felt like my life was sucked out of me for the past week. Last Sunday, I knew either a cold or cough was coming my way; on Monday, I knew it was a bit more sinister and on Tuesday, a full-blown flu had shot my lights out. I lived on herbal tea and fruit salad as it was the only things I had and I only ate very little as I was too weak to even stand for longer than five minutes. I so hate getting the flu, as experience shows that it's always serious in my case. And, gee, did my muscles ache. Probably the result of my working out on Saturday; far heftier pain than ever experienced during a flu.
By the way: I had typed a long section that somehow got deleted and ctrl z did delete an even bigger chunk. Since I can't be arsed to rewrite the whole thing, I just cut to the chase.
I'm currently writing from my garden-laptop as my work-laptop is in surgery. Fingers crossed. The screen flickered and went dark every time I switched it on, very annoying.
The old laptop I'm using right now has its moods, but better than no laptop, right?
Since I hardly ever use this one other than for writing in the garden, I thought I could have a nosy through my files and found some early drafts of my covers for No Wings Attached, which still went through its many titles back then.
Here are some of the versions which I had made myself in Paint. As you can see, I'm technically challenged when it comes to covers, but I knew exactly what I wanted. They are great to show a cover artist what you have in mind. Although I'd like to learn how to do covers properly.
I'm not. In fact I'd love to have one; a cyborg or even better: an android like Data. After all, I had a crush on Data. Yes, I'm weird. Actually, I'd need to widen that hunting scheme for human-like aliens as I also had a crush on Spock. Seems I feel drawn to emotionless intellectuals. How could I resist men who're smarter than me and make me laugh? And let's not forget Jake Sully, the tall, blue Avatar with that sexy voice. Not that robotic, but certainly very futuristic. Thing is that robots aren't that distant a future anymore, which is kind of scary to some extent. Humans are smart enough to create, but often don't think about the consequences. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if a modern Frankenstein scenario would happen at some point. Okay, for now, a computer or robot/android is just as intelligent as its/his/her programmer, but what if that programmer is a super-brain and the artificial creature develops an army of other artificial forms--bit like the cyborgs in Star Trek?
Now that would scare me. Although I find the whole topic rather fascinating. I just saw a documentary where a team of roboticists assembled a bionic man, complete with functioning organs and fake blood, as well as movable limbs and speech (with the same software Stephen Hawking uses). At the end of the programme, the creature walked around. Of course all still quite simple, but it's a massive step in robotics, even though a surreal one.
For those who are interested; this is the documentary:
Personally, I don't like the fact that scientists are (mis)using animals for their experiments. It's one thing to study behaviour when the animal doesn't suffer any harm, but an entirely different one if do what must be a painful procedure to a defenceless creature.
Anyway, I'm a little sad that I won't live to see humans and robots exist alongside each other, hopefully become friends; where androids make it easier for disabled or elderly humans, or learn skills that may help with the daily chores like doing laundry or cleaning, all with a big smile on their faces ...
As you know I'm planning to write a Science Fiction novel, featuring a robot, of course. The first thousand words have already been read by a few people who all demanded more. I assure you, no animals are going to be harmed in this book. It may take a while though before I get back to it; I'll keep you posted.
After almost four years of non-stop working, I'm fairly exhausted. Happy, but exhausted. Six published books, one other novel waiting to be rewritten and the one I'm working on right now, I think it's fair to say that I've worked my arse off, not only the writing and editing, but also the marketing, including special promotions, interviews, guest articles, not to forget updating own Blog, Twitter and Facebook. It's all work, but I love it. Nevertheless, it's quite draining, particularly when you see that the books are not taking off like you've wished for them. Don't get me wrong; I'm proud of all my books and grateful for the readers who either left reviews or contacted me in person to tell me how much they've enjoyed what they've read. I'm most thankful for those who continue to support me, nag me for the third book in the Branded series and humbled when people repeatedly say I'm talented. That's half the road to success, I think. I'm still experimenting with genres as I get bored easily and I believe it's the only way for me to grow: write in as many genres as possible. So far I've covered humour, paranormal romance, non-fiction, thriller and meta-fiction; loved each and every one of them. I'll work on sci-fiction and erotica next before I get some contemporary fiction and dystopian fiction on the way. I think that's basically all genres I'd like to cover. Oh, and clean chick lit. I'd like to try that, too. I'm also planning to turn the Branded series and the thriller into screen plays at some point. I have one idea which I'll probably write as a screen play, rather than a novel. It's got to do with football, that's all I can reveal. As you can see, I'm still very much in love with what I'm doing, but am on some kind of a break. Well deserved if you ask me. It became increasingly difficult for me to relax, particularly while writing; panic took hold of me after the last two books that had me reeling on several occasions when I got stuck. The frustration is beyond belief. Then there were a lot of 'fights' going on behind the scenes, one of them being my 'stalker' as I call him, spreading lies about me, trying to ruin my reputation. I can only imagine how it is for a celebrity to read the lies printed about them. It's infuriating. One of the reasons I don't want fame. I'd like to have fortune, but could care less about fame. I don't think I'd handle it well, but then as an author, unless you write for YA, you should be fairly safe. Teens who'll scream their little lungs out every time you make an appearance, aren't for me to be honest. I hate screaming fans. I remember being at a Backstreet Boys concert (looooong time ago) and right behind me (left) was a girl who screamed the whole show. Well, she probably would have if I hadn't turned round to tell her to shut the fuck up, which she thankfully did. The guy next to me cracked up and wiggled his eyebrows at me. Never understood that phenomenon of screaming. I go to a show to enjoy the voices, not to hear my own. Never mind, that's a topic on its own. I guess I won't be in danger of becoming world-famous any time soon. Lucky me. I'm slowly getting back into writing after a week off and am still hoping to make the 31st of March deadline. Brooding over the title, after the word plays of No Wings Attached and Candlelight Sinner I want to continue with it. All my titles are unique, so here's a challenge for me. Another part of being independent: you have to come up with everything by yourself. Personally, I love it and wouldn't want to have it any other way, but it's your responsibility. All I'd need now is the bestseller to be able to make bigger things happening. Oh, by the way: after that Blog disaster with my old Blog URL which is still on the top of Google when search for Stella Deleuze, my Blog with its new URL has finally made it to Google's first page. Yay me. I hope it's going to replace the old link soon. Blogger hasn't removed it yet, and I feel it's not going to happen; slow is an understatement when it comes to them acting on copyright breaches. If you are wondering what happened, here's the post I wrote about it.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me that 2013 will be the most successful year I've had so far. I'm successfully losing weight, but that's fodder for the next post.
Did that make you curious? Maybe you were having a little Schadenfreude moment; if that's the case you'll be bitterly disappointed to hear that I'm talking about the Backstreet Boys. Yes, that's right. Them guys who suddenly appeared out of nowhere back then in Germany, and took the world by storm. Deservedly so. I remember as if it were yesterday: I was at home, listening to MTV or VIVA, or any other music channel while cleaning, and suddenly they were on with the following song:
I dropped everything I had in my hands and danced along. After that I called my friend and told--no, urged-- her to watch out for this new band called the Backstreet Boys, a little out of breath from all the hopping along. I remember telling her that those guys are going to become massive and won't be a one-hit-wonder as they'd got the voices, the looks, the moves and the right beats. One can say many things about Lou Pearlman, but that man had a nose for talents. Seems we have that in common, because looking back now, I was dead right. They're celebrating their 20th anniversary this year, despite a few major rough patches with two band members battling the dark sides of success and one member taking a break before returning. I think there's a bit more to expect from them and I'm looking forward to it. You go ahead and giggle, but I think there's no age limit to music, if you like it, you like it. Simple as that.
So what's got that to do with them coming back for you, eh? Well, I don't know how they managed, but it seems that fate wanted them back in my life. Black & Blue, which was released in 2000, was the last album I bought. No idea why I didn't buy the next one, but my working in bars and excessive partying is probably the safest bet. I worked at night time and when the shift was over in the morning, my mates, who all worked in hospitality, headed over to our favourite club to dance our little arses off until 11am, and then to another bar for more partying. I often went home around 2 or 3pm for a few hours of sleep before I had to get back to work. I'm still amazed that I made it through that time alive. Although I never did any drugs, many litres of alcohol went down my throat. My favourite was wheatbeer with banana juice and, just to spark things up, a few shots of tequila. It was a fun time. Even though unhealthy. After a few years I was done with it. Had enough of living in a parallel world where you come home at noon, crawling on your nipples and getting strange looks. I wasn't twenty anymore and felt the need to get out of it.
A few years later, I moved to London where I went back to bar work and partying, and soon found myself being in the same cycle of drinking, for I hated the job, and getting to bed in the morning hours.My friends started to worry about me, because I drank far too much and too often. Almost daily, if I recall correctly. I knew that I'm not in danger of becoming an alcoholic, despite their worries; I just don't have this addictive nature. I quit smoking over night, because I didn't see any point in it any more. And I'd smoked for sixteen years, but I hated that my life just whooshed past me, so I decided to put an immediate stop to it.
In 2009, as many of you know, I wrote my first novel, No Wings Attached, and since then was hooked on writing while listening mainly to classical music. I drank less and less, with a few heavy binges in between, but no parties anymore. I only drink occasionally now, and that moderate. Unfortunately, depressions set in. Probably because I didn't continue to suppress them with alcohol. ADHD has the side effect of nasty lows following massive highs--almost like bi-polar--and since I refuse to take meds, I can be hit any time. 2011/2012 were terrible years for me, dominated by depressions, but 2013 somehow started with a lot of positivity. Recently, even though I have no clue why, I looked up Backstreet Boys, who've always made me smile. As expected, they didn't fail me. In fact, they blew me away with the albums Never Gone, This is Us and Unbreakable, the latter in particular. Absolutely amazing. I can't believe that I've missed it all beforehand, but better late than never, right? They've grown up, not only as people (especially Nick Carter), but also their music, and they're still rocking. I'm sort of living a BSB revival and am smiling every day. It's helping me to stay positive and since I'm also on a self-imposed fitness regime (I've decided that I need to lose the pounds I've piled up due to depressions), it's a delight to march around the park while listening to their tunes. If I recall correctly, there's going to be a new album out this year, and I'm sure as hell getting it!
