Life's good, finally.

Name: Zorro

Breed: Iguana 

Age: Six and a half years

Size: 4'9" snout to tail (150 cm)

Weight: 13.22 pounds (6kg)
Preferred food: Wild rocket, watercress, leafy greens in general, cress, alphaalphabutternut squash, beansprouts, carrots, figs, dates, and plenty of it.


This is another part of my diary: (Apologies if the tenses are screwed up, I'm trying to get my head around them.)

Before you get the wrong idea, I don't want to complain. Guess it could be worse than living with that ugly creature, but there are times I really want her to bugger off and stare at that thing she likes so much.

Not long ago, I was rather, let's say, horny and all I wanted was one wonderful, maybe two or three females to mate with, but, no, I had to sweat it. Can you imagine how it was to want sex for months and have no opportunity? Well, yes, that's how I felt. And to make matters more complicated, the other male that cockily nodded at me wouldn't go away. My attempts to chase him off were rather painful, my snout and nose were swollen and it wasn't pleasant, believe you me. At least he didn't get any sex either, that was some sort of consolation.

In addition to that, I didn't have an appetite. The ugly creature put heaps of green leaves in my house, but I just ignored it. Thought, perhaps when I don't eat, she might get me a woman. Can't be that difficult, can it? I'd have put up with a random girl – any girl – but my desires weren't heard.

Then, as if that wasn't enough of suffering, she came with a wet thing and pressed it on my snout. I thought, what the heck is going on? It hurt and it wasn't particularly tasty either.

One day, when I just lay sleepily on my high look out, I saw something that raised suspicion: the dark thing and I knew it's not going to be a good day. Hell, I had just woken up and there she came, entering my house and ripping me from my place, only to stuff me into the dark thing, fold my tail to my side and close it. I wouldn't give up without a fight and struggled, tried to turn around quickly and escape, but she's bigger and stronger. No chance for me. Then, all went dark. I still heard her making funny noises, but as much as I tried to move around and get out again, I was truly buggered.

I hate being in there, it feels like the ground is shaking and not very comfortable and it goes on for ages.

Anyway, hearing her was only a slight relief. I wanted to see what's happening! To show her how much I hate it, I did a huge business. Not that it helped. I also learned it was the wrong decision, because I had to put up with the smell.

When I finally blinked into brightness again, I looked into two more ugly faces. Brilliant, I thought, I've seen them before and I know they'll hurt me. On days like that, I hate my life, wondering 'Why me?”

And surely, I didn't have to wait long before I felt a pain in the upper end of my tail.

Ouch! I tried to get away, but what can I say? It was three against one. I was clearly outnumbered.

And right after that I was allowed to stretch my limps. I ignored all of them and took a thorough look around. Then the female grabbed me firmly and soon it was dark again. Defeated, I settled down and accepted my situation.

Ages later, I was back in my own house. And although I wasn't big on eating, she brought something new, something very, very tasty. I was hooked the second I bit on it the first time. Whenever I see her placing it on my lower hang out, I come running. Often a mistake, because to get it I must go close to the entrance of my house and there she stands, waiting. I have the choice between mouth-watering sweet treat or her flesh. Guess what I go for? I even let her touch me, she can come in handy when it's itching. My eyes, my cheeks, mainly my eyes, though. And she's really good at making the itch go away temporarily.

Well, apart from that special one I had. Glad it's over – feeling normal again, the hunger's back, too and I said it before and will gladly repeat it: when it comes to food, the ugly female has very good knowledge of what I like.