Sunday, 16 February 2014

Restless, my ADHD is getting the better of me

I haven't cycled properly for a few days; first it was just miserable out there, windy, cold, rainy, then I got ill and didn't even feel like getting up. Today, though, I felt a tad better and the sun made a proper appearance, beckoning me to come and play. I decided to go for a nice and easy ride with a member of my cycling club and we went through the city, enjoying the weather. When we came back I felt like I could do more, but cautioned myself, knowing I need to be up and fit for the academy tomorrow. However, I felt jittery, as if fireworks are about to go off. Weirdly enough, while riding, a car overtook me too close for comfort, apparently he was about 20cm (8inches) away from me, but it left me cold. I said to my companion that if I lost my cool about such a thing I'd be a busy girl.  Normally, on a full-blown ADHD day, I'd got my knickers in a twist and would have cursed after him, loudly, while shaking my fist. Then again, I generally know when it's such a day, which this one isn't. At least not one of those aggressive ones, but more a 'putting my foot in'. Thinking of it, it looks like I'm finding myself in a series of ADHD days. Just on Thursday I was introduced to a very nice man called Bob. The person introducing him was about to tell me who Bob was and started with: Bob's ... when I, without thinking, opened my mouth and blurted out, 'You're uncle!' earning me two pairs of confused looking faces. Ehem. Yes, it was rather impulsive (and admittedly funny), but as uncontrollable as a tick. No idea where it even came from. Luckily, Bob and I had some good conversations about bicycle mechanics and all was fine. As I said, a very nice man.
So after the ride today, I went to my regular local bike shop to see what's happening and saw that a girl who's worked there on and off, had her new spd pedals on her bike and here I go again: totally uninvited the words tumbled out: 'Oh, you've got your new pedals, gee, they're soo ugly!'
I could have just kept it shut and not say anything, right? It's not that she asked me what I thought of them. We joked a little about my ... how can I put this ... honesty and she was fine, but it brought home again that living with ADHD can be a bit of mine field. My quick mouth has got in trouble on more than one occasion and I'm sure I've hurt some people along the way. Never intentionally, that's not the kind of person I am, but sometimes I say things that make me wish for a transporter beam to get me out of this precarious situation I've managed to manoeuvre myself into. Incidentally, I've shot something at the owner of the shop, a man I very, very much like, which was meant to be banter, but a tad tasteless, I think. Luckily, he knows me well enough to see I wasn't being serious, at least I hope so, but I'll have to double check tomorrow.
And the feeling of something's going to erupt didn't stop there; at home, I settled down for dinner, just to get up again, then sit down, and get up, sit down and get up. I just can't find the calm to keep my arse on my sofa. I got up to clean my smudged glasses, but instead go to the loo, wash my hands, hang the laundry, make a tea, get back into the living room, sit down and try to remember what it was I wanted to do in the first place. Then get up again to rummage for a piece of paper I documented my weight loss last year, since I wanted to look for it anyway, find it, sit down and start comparing figures, then get up again, because I finally remembered I wanted to clean my glasses. Done that, I'm finally sitting down, wanting to watch a documentary, but am forced to get up again, because I just can't sit still tonight. A hot chocolate and another time sitting down later, I'm abandoning the documentary to write this post. I feel that if I have unsolved issues, I'm far less likely to calm down until they're resolved. ADHD, uh? One must love it as there's never a moment of boredom.

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