Sunday, 17 March 2013

Is this the end?

Me, mightily annoyed
As you know I've been quite apprehensive about 'coming out' as a writer. The reason being was that I didn't feel like a writer; and sure enough, not long after I've announced that I accepted being one, I had this very surreal weekend on which I didn't sleep, but watched every single Backstreet Boys video there is on YouTube, with the result of having lost all enthusiasm regarding writing or editing. It's been weeks that I've abandoned Book 3 of the Branded series just about 20k in and I couldn't care less to return to it, or to writing at all, for that matter. It feels as if a huge weigh has been lifted off my shoulders; writing has never been fun, unless it flowed, which it rarely did. Quite the contrary; it was painful. Writing shouldn't be painful, it should be fun and energetic. Editing, yes, that's painful, but writing itself? No.
I struggled more and more with every book and the frustration and tears were having a negative affect on me, yet I forced myself to write every day so I could finish the books, despite my hitting wall after wall, writing myself into corners I had to fight to get out. It's excruciating and that, somehow, cannot be right. I have no idea if I ever return to writing; at the moment, I'm very happy to just draw a line under that chapter--pardon the pun--and move on. I'm sick and tired of talking or reading about writing, I'm sick and tired of the 'community' and I'm sick and tired of putting myself out there. As you noticed, I've been relatively silent for quite a while and it's heaven to just let the writing world be and turn my back on it. For the past four years I've kept pushing myself to the limits, writing, editing, proofing, promoting and whatnot and I'm so tired. Book 3 of the Branded series will be put on hold and only ever be finished if I feel like it. I have my doubts, to be honest. I haven't read in a while either, just can't be bothered.
I've also buried my dreams of becoming a publisher. After watching the market and new small publishers, who had the same dream, fold, I decided it's not worth the effort. Plus, if I can't sell my own books, despite being convinced they're of great commercial value, I think that's a fairly good indicator that I don't know what the public wants. 
In the meantime, I'll continue with my weight loss programme and spend more time outside, rather than behind the laptop trying to find my balance again.
Crazy how everything can change in just 48 hours, isn't it? I used to say that writing and editing will always be part of my life and that I can't imagine not to write ...

How can you not love this?
I think the only real staple love in my life are reptiles. Perhaps I should just go ahead and look into the options of opening the Rescue & Education Centre I've been banging on about for years now. Even though keeping reptiles is far from easy and not always glorious, but that iguana makes me smile every single day, even when he pissed me off an hour before. He's in mating season again, by the way, which makes him super tough and dangerous to handle. A 6kg monster out of control is not for the faint-hearted, believe you me.
So if you know someone who has too much money to spend and wants to put it to a good cause, put him/her in touch with me. I'd love to start searching for a warehouse tomorrow. :-)

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